What Happened

by Heather on February 28, 2011

A quick note:  this post is in no way complete, but it’s going to be all I can emotionally put out there in this very moment.  This blog is about my love of food, but I’ve always tried to document my life on it as well.  If you have questions feel free to email me as I will not be able to answer questions in the comments at this time.

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January 1, 2011:  I emerged from my childhood bathroom with these in hand.  We had just found out I was pregnant.

January 28, 2011:  We had our first doctor’s appointment and saw an ultrasound of a healthy baby, heartbeat 174 bpm, length 1.73 cm.  We were overjoyed.

 

February 22, 2011:  I was admitted to a local ER with spotting.  Later that night we found out I’d had a miscarriage at about 9 weeks when I thought I was almost 12 weeks along.

 

February 23, 2011:  We went to the doctor’s office to have the diagnosis confirmed.  Since my body was not naturally able to expel my uterus, I had a D&C surgery.  And then my body and heart were empty.

 

I had big plans of announcing our pregnancy on March 11, right after our next doctor’s appointment.  I would have been out of my first trimester, and since we saw no additional signs other than spotting the other night we assumed everything was going well and we would have a joyful post to talk about.  I don’t know why this happened to me; I did everything “right” from erasing caffeine from my diet to overcooking everything to taking my prenatal vitamin every.single.day.  We prayed for our baby (and it was our baby, not just a fetus), that it would be healthy and that it would know the love of the Lord every day of its life.  I wish there were words in my head to describe the pain and loneliness I feel right now.  Our family and friends have been incredible, loving us through this all and most of all pointing us towards truth in it.  At first it was easy to blame myself, but I know in my heart it’s not my fault.

 

Now I’m left asking “WHY?!” but I do know this:

 

God loves me, he loves Nate, and he loves our baby.  And one day we will get to meet this beautiful child that we lost.

 

God has shown his grace, his mercy, and his love by putting family and friends in our lives who have covered us with love and prayer.

 

God blessed us INCREDIBLY by allowing us to have the gift of a baby as long as he did.  It hurts, but we loved it and we would never want to take that back.

 

Y’all, I don’t know why this happened.  I wish I did.  But I do know that I have become closer with God through it all, closer to my amazing husband through it all, closer to our family and friends through it all, and have clarity for what I want in life through it all.

 

Much love guys,

 

Heather

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