One Year Ago Today

by Heather on February 23, 2012

One year ago today was the worst day, by far, of my entire short life.

One year ago today we found out that we had lost our first baby, the little one that we were planning so carefully for, the one that we loved so much that it felt like my heart would explode.  The baby that we had just called all of our friends and family about on New Year’s day – that baby was gone.

One year ago I never dreamed that my heart would ever mend (it hasn’t totally) or that I would ever want to try to have a baby again – who would want to love something so small and helpless only to have it ripped away from you without knowing it?  I thought, “There’s no way I could do that again…”

It’s one year later and honestly I still cry daily about the loss of that sweet baby.  It still breaks my heart, I am still healing, and there are times that I still wrestle (rather rudely at times) with God about the WHY WHY WHY of it all.  I’m still broken.

But when I think about the things that have happened in the past year I can’t help but remember that sweet baby, the one we loved so much and lost so quickly, has taught me more about life than I ever thought possible.  It taught me about overwhelming joy, love, excitement and hope.  It taught me about paralyzing pain, sadness, anger and distrust.  It brought me closer to my husband, our families, and our friends.  And it taught me that God, although there are times that I still struggle to understand the why, is sovereign, all-powerful, and most of all loving.  And if there’s anyone that I want watching over our baby other than myself or Nate, it’s Him.

One year ago we lost our first baby.  Almost exactly one year later we’re about to give birth to our second.  And I am completely and utterly thankful and proud and totally in love with them both.

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Urban Wife February 23, 2012

You are not alone. What a blessing that now you will have a baby boy! God is indeed Sovereign.

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2 Kirsten is Comfortably Domestic February 23, 2012

Oh, Heather. Such a horrific loss to experience. May you continue to heal and love both of your baby boys.

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3 Laurie {Simply Scratch} February 23, 2012

Oh my Heather. What a touching post…sending you hugs my friend!

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4 Delishhh February 23, 2012

Great post!

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5 Whitney February 24, 2012

As someone who has experienced the same loss, I pray daily that I will also get to experience the same joy. Although the second will never replace the first, holding that precious baby will help bring the healing you need. Congratulations!!

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6 Kellie @ Blackboard Kitchen February 24, 2012

Heather! What a heartfelt post. One year ago your first baby and now, about to deliver your second little baby. He is going to have an amazing mother in you, my friend!

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7 janetha February 24, 2012

<3

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8 Kathrine February 25, 2012

God bless you and your’s.

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9 Ky G February 26, 2012

Bug hugs! Bless you Heather! With my baby boy just being born 20 days ago…I can’t imagine!

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10 Ky G February 26, 2012

Oops I meant big not bug

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11 Kim in MD February 28, 2012

Wow…what a sweet post, Heather. I was so sad for your loss last year, and I so happy for you now.

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