The Dish

One Year Ago Today

by Heather on February 23, 2012

One year ago today was the worst day, by far, of my entire short life.

One year ago today we found out that we had lost our first baby, the little one that we were planning so carefully for, the one that we loved so much that it felt like my heart would explode.  The baby that we had just called all of our friends and family about on New Year’s day – that baby was gone.

One year ago I never dreamed that my heart would ever mend (it hasn’t totally) or that I would ever want to try to have a baby again – who would want to love something so small and helpless only to have it ripped away from you without knowing it?  I thought, “There’s no way I could do that again…”

It’s one year later and honestly I still cry daily about the loss of that sweet baby.  It still breaks my heart, I am still healing, and there are times that I still wrestle (rather rudely at times) with God about the WHY WHY WHY of it all.  I’m still broken.

But when I think about the things that have happened in the past year I can’t help but remember that sweet baby, the one we loved so much and lost so quickly, has taught me more about life than I ever thought possible.  It taught me about overwhelming joy, love, excitement and hope.  It taught me about paralyzing pain, sadness, anger and distrust.  It brought me closer to my husband, our families, and our friends.  And it taught me that God, although there are times that I still struggle to understand the why, is sovereign, all-powerful, and most of all loving.  And if there’s anyone that I want watching over our baby other than myself or Nate, it’s Him.

One year ago we lost our first baby.  Almost exactly one year later we’re about to give birth to our second.  And I am completely and utterly thankful and proud and totally in love with them both.

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I Wonder…

by Heather on February 15, 2012

…what labor will be like…
…how I’ll actually know I’m in labor…
…if I’ll really be able to do it without medication…
…what hearing his first cries will feel like…
…if breastfeeding will work out (Lord knows I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure it does)…
…what seeing my husband hold our baby will feel like…
…what it’s going to be like to look into our little guy’s eyes for the first time…
…if he’ll have my husband’s dimples…
…if I’ll just fall into holding and changing and feeding him naturally…
…what it will feel like to no longer be pregnant…
…how the dogs will react to their new human brother…
…how our world will change, how much sleep we’ll miss, and how much fun we’ll have…

What I don’t wonder is how much we love this little man and how much our lives will be enriched and filled with happiness because of his little breath, his little fingers and toes, his smile, and the fact that we were chosen and blessed to be his parents.  I can’t wait to be a mommy to him, to struggle through all the new things we have to figure out, and to see what God has in store for us!

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Our Denver Babymoon

by Heather on February 14, 2012

This past weekend Nate surprised me with a little babymoon getaway, which means of course that he is a) the sweetest husband ever, b) very very sneaky with his surprises, and c) awesome in every way possible.

He booked us a room at The Inverness Hotel & Conference Center in Englewood, CO.  It was far enough away from home to be considered a trip, but still close enough that staying one night was an easy feat.  Besides, since I could *technically* go into labor at any point in time we needed to be close-ish to the hospital.  Just in case!

 

We got there Friday night and enjoyed the best burger I think we’ve ever had at one of the hotel restaurants, then promptly got to our room and passed out on the bed to the tune of an Old School marathon on TV.  We slept in (gotta get that rest while we can, right?!) and laid in bed and talked.  Now here’s where I have to interject something:  talking to my husband is one of my favorite things ever.  If I have the chance to lay in bed with no responsibilities, snuggle with him and talk about our lives then I’m a happy girl.  I was in heaven :)

Oh, did I mention the hotel made us this cute little dessert?  It was tiny and delicious and perfect!

 

Anyway, we spent the rest of the morning relaxing and eating breakfast, then around noon headed over to Ikea for a couple of last-minute baby things.  We did some maternity photos (I’ll share those later!) and just generally spent the day together, which was perfection.  Just goes to show that while a full-on vacation is great, spending time together for a little weekend getaway doesn’t have to be extravagant.  In fact, I’d say the less extravagant the better…I had the best time!

Nate, I love you and thank you so much for our little trip.  That time with you is something I’ll always cherish :)

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Thoughts on Almost-Mommyhood

by Heather on February 8, 2012

First things first, almost-mommyhood has made me love lists.  Oh my gosh do I love them!  It’s about the only way I can tame my  brain into thinking straight these days…

Closet full of diapers and diaper-changing apparatus...weird!

  • I can’t believe – seriously CAN.NOT. believe - that we are about to have a baby.  At 37 weeks today I’m technically full-term and could have him at any point in time, and that reality will randomly come and slap me across the face several times a day.  I’ll find myself both terrified and ridiculously anxiously happy to meet the little guy that’s been spending so much time pushing around in my belly for almost 9 months, and then just break down in tears over the interplay of emotions.
  • Washing baby clothes is pretty much a million times more fun (right now) than washing my clothes.
  • Although I can’t wait to see every little inch of this little man I’m finding that right now I can’t wait to see his little curled-up newborn booty.  Baby butts and baby bellies are just about the cutest things ever – next to their little newborn faces :)
  • The other night was the first time I’ve seen Nate act even remotely nervous about the birth ahead of us, and his concern was that he wants to be the best coach he can be for me.  I just feel the need to iterate that he’s the best coach I could ever ask for, the best husband, the best friend, and the best daddy for our children.  Out of everything out there I could be worried about, that’s the one thing I have no question over!
  • The baby room is ALMOST finished!  I never thought the day would come…we’ll be finishing it up this weekend and taking photos to share with y’all soon!  It’s going to be exactly what we wanted, and I’m so excited!
  • I randomly convinced myself last Sunday that my water broke and immediately started to panic.  Then Nate made me pack my bag for the hospital – and by “made me pack my bag for the hospital” I mean I sat on the bed crying hysterically about not knowing whether my water broke while Nate packed my bag for me.  And then I cried because he did the whole thing for me.  And then I cried because I realized my water hadn’t broken.  And then I cried because I was crying.  Yay hormones!
  • Thinking about how much I already love this little guy takes my breath away.  In case you couldn’t tell, I’m kind of excited to meet him.
  • I’m about to be a mom.  Yikes.

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Life is Changing

by Heather on February 3, 2012

And I’m having to make grown-up decisions these days.  Wah.

Besides the whole giving-up-my-uterus-for-the-baby thing, we also did something else the other night:  we traded in my beloved Rolly (pronounced Ro-lee) for a newer more family-friendly car.  If you’ve been reading for a while you know that my car is kind of my baby and I totally cried when she hit 100,000 miles.  Add about a bajillion more hormones to this body and brain of mine and the fact that she’s no longer hanging out in our garage and, well, waterworks.

And I made Nate take a picture of me with her before we drove off the lot in the newbie.  Who cares if people were watching?

Anyway, it’s one of those things that I knew we needed to do to help prepare for the baby…even though I didn’t want to get rid of my car I knew we needed to make the change.  And I guess that’s what being a grown-up is all about…making choices despite what you want to happen.

But it sure was a lot of fun being a care-free 20-something :)

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Being Pregnant Feels Like…

by Heather on February 1, 2012

  • …I’m permanently full of food, with no relief in sight.  And then my stomach growls and I can’t get food fast enough.
  • …my skin is stretching waaaaaaaay beyond it’s limitations.
  • …I’m waddling when I walk now, and let’s just say waddling doesn’t feel pretty.
  • …a 15-lb weight on the front of my body, ready to tip me over at any given moment.
  • …to quote Baby Mama it feels like I just ate a big meatball sub and now that sub is kicking me on the inside.  All the time.
  • …an exhaustion I’ve never felt before, all from just sitting all day long.
  • …I’m going crazy because of the hormones.
  • …my eyes are going to fall out of my head from crying over happy things, sad things, things that make me angry, or just crying for no reason.
  • …your clothes will never fit again.  Ever.  Again.
  • …a permanent state of mental fuzzies.  By that I mean don’t tell me anything you want me to remember…it ain’t happening.
  • …I’m a basketcase of anxiety: what does pre-labor feel like?  I don’t think I have been having any Braxton-Hicks contractions?  What does that mean?  Will I be a good mom?  I don’t even know how to change a diaper?  When will we ever have a name for our little guy?  Will his name be cool?  How will the dogs react to him?  Will I ever sleep again?  Can I get through childbirth relatively unscathed?  What will his cry sound like?  Gosh, I hope he doesn’t cry too much because I don’t know what to do…
  • …my bellybutton may just split open.  I know that’s a bit dramatic, but I’ve seen the inside of it for the first time, oh, ever, and I just don’t know if I trust it.  That’s all I have to say about that.

And so there you have it.  After 36 weeks of being pregnant I’m just now starting to  feel pregnant.  To the point that I don’t want to bend down and touch my toes, to where I don’t feel like walking but do it anyway, to where I finally see that I can get other people to do stuff for me by asking, and to where I’m finally at the point where I’d much rather spend time with our little guy on the outside than with him on the inside.  Only another week til he’s full-term and from there it’s anybody’s guess as to when we meet him!

Guess that means I better go pack my hospital bag…if I don’t forget what I’m doing when I reach the top of the stairs…

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Heaven-Sent

by Heather on January 31, 2012

Dear Sugar-Free Oreos,

I love you and I just needed you to know that.

 

XOXO,

 

Heather

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What’s Going on at 35 Weeks

by Heather on January 25, 2012

I’m not sure if you could tell by the title, but today I’m 35 weeks.  35 WEEKS PREGNANT.  It feels like only yesterday we found out that I was pregnant at all and now?  Now in 5 weeks or so we’re going to be welcoming a baby boy into this world.  5 WEEKS.

 

I’m feeling really really good if you don’t count the occasional panic attack over the fact that, you know, we’re going to be parents.  I will say this though – I thought I was invincible to the exhaustion that everyone says is inevitable in the 3rd trimester.  Who me?  Get tired?  From sitting on my rear end all day?

 

I’m here to tell you – YES.  I get so completely exhausted just sitting and when you throw actual work and projects and deadlines into the mix?  Let’s just say I’m glad my co-workers know I’m pregnant otherwise I might develop a reputation for being the cranky one.  I’m hoping it’s just endearing though – that maybe they all think the crankiness and inability to keep my eyes open is just cute or something.  I hope.

 

Workouts have changed a bit too.  Whereas before I would strut my stuff every night to a pregnancy workout video, prenatal yoga, or my favorite WillPower & Grace DVD, I now walk on my lunch break and consider the evening chores of cooking, cleaning, and laundry as the rest of my workout.  My poor, poor dusty weights are probably feeling a bit lonely right now, but when it comes time to stare them down and consider using them…well, it’s just not happening.  And I’m embracing that right now.

 

I also feel like I need to say that my pride led me at one point to overdo it on the heavy lifting.  I’m tall and I’m strong and I’ve always prided myself on not having to ask for help.  Well, now I need to ask for help because I can definitely tell when I’ve overdone it.  It comes in the form of lower abdominal muscle pain (not contractions, nothing to be worried about) and is one heck of a ride for this paranoid mommy-to-be.  So no more heavy lifting it is!

 

My friend Lindsay reminded me today that labor could really come at just about any time now (although we’d all love it if he stayed in and baked a little longer).  Talk about a reality check – little dude technically has a place to sleep, a ton of clothes, and (thanks to a shower thrown by my incredible friends Emma and Stefanie) an abundance of diapers.  I figure he probably doesn’t need much else should he surprise us in the next couple of weeks, but that’s motivation enough to get cranking on the nursery for good this weekend.  Which reminds me, I can’t wait to show you guys the pictures!  I did before photos (aren’t you proud I remembered???) and will definitely be doing some afters photos too.  Yay for cleaning and yay for making that room look like an actual person’s room!

 

One last thing – good news on the gestational diabetes front!  The good news is that I no longer have to check my blood sugar 4 times a day now.  Nope, now we’re down to 3 times a day, which saves my little fingers from one poking a day.  Plus it shows that I’ve been able to control it all with a healthy diet.  We had our 34 week appointment last week and the doctor said that it looks like he’s measuring on the “larger side of normal,” meaning he’s likely going to be around a 7.5-8 lb baby.  Again, not surprising, but definitely enough info to keep me in line with eating well.  I’d like to deliver without a C-section if possible, and although I want him to be as big as he needs to be I don’t want it to be abnormal.  Besides, I feel like the increase in the energy I do have is due to eating well, and Lord knows I need all the help I can get right now anyway!

 

So there you have it – 35 weeks.  35 weeks of being pregnant and I’m almost full-term.  35 weeks down and 5 weeks to go til we’re parents to a real little human.  35 weeks has never flown by so fast or taught me so much!

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Happy Birthday

by Heather on January 23, 2012

To the man that I love, the one that I don’t know if I could ever do without, the father to our baby (and our pups), the guy who always knows how to comfort me and make me laugh, who makes me feel loved beyond belief, and who challenges me to be more like Christ every day.  I love you sweetheart, and hope you have the most amazing birthday ever!

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The Nursery Saga

by Heather on January 17, 2012

Man oh man.  In addition to the fact that the little dude (who had a MEAN case of the hiccups last night) doesn’t have a name yet, I have something to admit:  he does not yet have a nursery.

Now, I’m a pretty realistic person.  He doesn’t HAVE to have a room.  He could sleep in a dresser drawer (or the pack & play my amazing brother & sister in law got us!) and be totally fine.  But the fact remains that we have a room in this house for him and it’s not even a little bit close to done and ready for a little guy to come home to.  And the fact remains that nesting has taken over my mind and body and I will likely panic about the lack of nursery decor until it’s actually done.

 

It’s what I do – panic over things that don’t really matter.  Hey, everyone has their thing!

 

That being said, here’s what I want in his nursery:

  1. BRIGHT colors!  I know everyone has their thing and there’s clearly a very large market for pastels and baby blues and the like, but I am just not a fan.  Colors are beautiful and we want him to be surrounded by bright, vibrant, stimulating colors from day one!  That being said, we’re not going to be painting his room, so the bulk of color is going to come from photos of the trips we’ve taken and the blanket/bumper that my mom is making for us with this really great fabric we picked out.  Once it’s all set up I’ll obviously post photos, but this little guy’s going to love color from day one!
  2. A beachy theme.  OK OK, we live in Colorado and it’s beautiful here – we are very blessed.  BUT I’ve always been more of a beach girl and Nate adores water, so we’re going with a surfer/beach theme in the nursery too.  I keep saying he’s going to be so confused when he figures out there’s actually not much water here…but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there!
  3. Pictures of family.  We don’t have any immediate family here and want him to always be surrounded by faces of people who love him.  Pictures of all his grandparents and aunts, uncles, and cousins are going to be around him all the time.  And obviously his fur-brother and fur-sister…obviously.
  4. Clean and organized space.  Nate and I are pretty minimalist when it comes to baby things and want to keep his space clean and organized.  We’re planning on utilizing shelving, drawers, and storage stuff in the closet as much as we can and what doesn’t fit?  We probably don’t need it!
  5. Lots of light.  We’re planning on having light-blocking curtains for the times that he’s sleeping, but the rest of the time we want him to feel the warmth of the sun and see the beauty of light around him.  Keeping the nursery open and airy is a big priority!

You know, now that I think of it there’s probably a lot more that I’m going to think of over the coming days, but for now those are the big things.

 

What do you want in your nursery?  And what are some inexpensive ways that you’ve decorated in the past?  We’re always down for tips and tricks!

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